Into The Bear Cave!

Part of this blog is an extract from my new book, Gozo Is the Grass Greener? 

www.gozoisthegrassgreener.blogspot.com 

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Living with a partner who suffers from bipolar disorder can be a bit like following an angry bear into a cave and then poking it with a stick!

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And yes, I speak from experience.

My husband Steve suffers from bipolar disorder, and while for the great majority of the time, he is able to live a fairly balanced life, there are times, when it gets the better of him. The past fortnight is a case in point and has, shall we say, been ……. Interesting.

Bipolar disorder is also sometimes known as manic depression and for good reason. On a “down” day, sufferers might be depressed to the point of suicide, or just quiet and subdued; on an “up” day, they can be manic, irrational and spontaneous to the point of being ridiculous.

The story of how Steve and I met is covered in detail in my new book, Gozo Is the Grass Greener? For a while, like other people in love, we lived in a bubble; oblivious to anything else, with all our energy going into our new and exciting relationship. Steve was highly attentive, loving, considerate and kind. He was also, unbeknown to me, extremely mentally unwell.  He was, in short, a ticking time bomb on countdown to self-destruction.

Steve on a good day

I was oblivious to this, and had no idea that the man I had fallen in love with was labouring under such a huge burden. He had told me that he "could be moody", but to be honest, I was so in love with the man, he could have said, “By the way, I’m a serial killer” and I’d have smiled and said, “That’s not going to be a problem”.

In the past, Steve had days so dark, that he would wake up in the mornings and wish to die. He seriously contemplated taking his own life, but in reality, I simply don’t think he had the energy. He had no control over his thoughts; they were a never ending intrusion on his mind and wore him down, sending him into the shadows of obscurity and loneliness.  His depression was like a snake winding itself round his heart and soul and strangling the life out of him.  

Whilst Steve’s suffering was terrible and painful, depression also has a devastating impact on the person who is in the caring role. To watch someone you love, struggle to come to terms with their inner demons and be defeated over and over again is almost too much to bear. To watch, as they are overwhelmed and crushed by something, which is out of their control is totally draining. I developed a raging resentment and anger towards the illness that is depression and saw it as the enemy in our midst. 

To understand your adversary gives you more power in overcoming it and having victory. With that in mind, I spent a long time researching Steve’s condition, and began to understand more about it. I finally came to a place of accepting that Steve could not help how he responded, and had no dominion whatsoever over his mood. He simply could not “cheer up” at will. 

After enjoying a fairly stable period of time, Steve’s depression crept up on him again 2 weeks ago. As is often the case, there was no particular reason for it. However, I could see it reflected in his eyes, which give him away by becoming flat, dark and angry. Having learned to recognise the signs and symptoms of a depressive episode, I galvanised myself for a few bumpy days. I knew from experience that Steve would withdraw, not eat properly and have difficulty sleeping, or, sleep all the time.

One of the worst thing you can do to a depressed person is to tell them to pull themselves together, or worse still, tell them to be thankful for what they have and draw some irrelevant comparison. Depression is no respecter of persons. In fact, it’s a disrespectful sonofabitch full stop. You can have all the money and fame in the world and still be depressed. It has nothing whatsoever to do with material things.

One of the problems for me is that I am a trained and qualified social worker. I am supposed to possess skills, which enable me to deal with such crises, to take them in my stride. I can tell you that this is not the case, which only serves to add to my feelings of inadequacy.  To feel the cold wind of indifference blowing around you, replacing the love that used to occupy that space is excruciating.  One minute your partner is loving and attentive, and the next, brooding and resentful. Steve has tried to explain to me many times that it is NOTHING to do with me, but it is hard to accept this, when it feels as if it is directed at you. I suffer agonies of soul searching, trying to identify what I might have done to cause his low mood, when deep down, I know it really isn’t me, it’s the nature of depression.

I feel I should handle it better; maybe not get so down myself when a depressive attack strikes, but those of you who know what I’m talking about, will also know how hard it is to separate yourself from the illness. 

And so into the bear cave.

Steve on a bad day!

Steve’s depression was lasting longer than usual. I had tried in vain to identify an easy solution, because there wasn’t one. He had withdrawn into the bear cave, but I got to the point where I felt angry. Not angry with Steve, but angry with his condition for robbing us both of the happiness we should be enjoying. Once I had reached this point, I knew I could approach Steve calmly and objectively. I took my stick (not literally you understand) and marched into that bear cave. No response, so I poked him repeatedly until I got a response, and believe me, it wasn’t a good one!

I knew I had provoked a reaction, and despite it being a negative one, more anger was better than the indifferent apathy, which had overwhelmed him. Over the 2 week period, Steve had continually denied that he was depressed, citing tiredness, and other reasons for him being withdrawn.  I kept on prodding until he reached a point where he was able to accept that he was indeed depressed – more so than he had realised.  Now, let me say this; it is not always productive to poke an angry bear! In this case, it was the right approach, but on another occasion, I might avoid such action. If you are caring for, or living with someone with bipolar disorder, you must understand that what works one day, will not necessarily work another day, or for that matter, ever again.

I feel I have to be creative in supporting Steve, knowing when to be quiet and let him be, and knowing equally when to take a stick, follow him into his cave and poke him.

I wish that all of you who suffer from this debilitating condition find a way of getting a handle on it. For those of you who are in a caring role, I would say this; make it your business to know as much as possible about bipolar disorder.  Do not resort to saying, “Oh I give up” when your loved one leaves for the bear cave. Remember, no matter how bad it feels it is NOT personal. Your partner, friend, or relative, needs unconditional love and support through their darkest hour, and you may be the only person who is able to give it to them.

For us, this episode thankfully ended with Steve talking openly about how he felt and us both identifying new strategies, which might help us the next time ....... and let's not kid ourselves, there will be a next time. 

I will leave you with the wise words of Sun Tzu, who was a 6^th Century General and Military Strategist.

If you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperilled in a hundred battles ……. If you do not know your enemies, nor yourself, you will be imperilled in every single battle.

The issue of bipolar disorder and its effect on Steve and I is examined in a chapter of my 2^nd novel, Gozo; Is the Grass Greener? It is available via Amazon as a paperback or Kindle download along with my debut novel, Known to Social Services – www.knowntosocialservices.com

Both books are published by Faraxa Books.

Freya 

Known to Social Services; challenging the stereotype of the social worker

In October 2013, after 17 years of working with children and their families, I made a life changing decision. It was not the first decision I had made of this kind, having already made the jump from living in the UK to living on the beautiful island of Gozo, which is part of the Maltese archipelago in the Mediterranean. However, it was a decision, which took courage, a certain amount of risk, and a touch of devil may care!

No great hardship in moving here!

With support and encouragement from my husband Steve, I decided to give up my job as a social worker, in order to focus full time on writing the book I had been considering for many years.  A book, which I hoped would raise awareness of the crucial, and formidable task social workers undertake, often, with little or no positive recognition.

The title to me was obvious, Known to Social Services, as this is inevitably what the media headlines always proclaim every time there is a high profile case. "The Child Was Known to Social Services" they declare as they search for a scapegoat. 

The #1 bestselling Social Work book on Amazon UK










Having worked on the front line of child protection for most of my career, I inevitably witnessed a great deal of suffering and sadness in the children I endeavored to help. While my role always remained child focused, it was impossible not to feel the pain that the parents and wider families were experiencing as well.  Most of the time, my colleagues and I walked a fine line between protecting the children, and maintaining a working relationship with the families with whom we were involved, often for lengthy periods of time.

This was no easy task; mistrust, and fear were commonplace and it was not unusual to be on the receiving end of open hostility and abuse. Within social work, there are common themes, which arise repeatedly. Of these, there are several, which in my experience, are more prevalent; the direct abuse of children is the most typical. Other frequent issues, include, domestic abuse, neglect, mental health problems in parents, or their dependence on drugs and alcohol. Other less commonly seen, were more culturally specific issues such as female genital mutilation. I also dealt with paedophile rings and worked with children who had been groomed and recruited for work in the sex trade. 

In all of this, I found that no matter how hard I, and my colleagues worked, and in spite of total dedication to our jobs; social workers were usually portrayed in a negative light.  I have lost count of the people who said, “I hate social workers”, usually based on nothing more than the media representation of the profession as a whole.

After a chat with the students at the University of Derby, where I completed my own training.





I accept that those families who have had their children removed from their care, may feel that they have every “right” to hate social workers. However, children are not taken from their families on a whim – there will have been good reason for social workers to be involved, and sound evidence presented to a court. It is then the decision of a bench of magistrates, or a judge as to whether or not the children should remain with their parents.

Social workers cannot just “take” children away. Even in the case of an extreme emergency, where a child has been harmed, or is at risk of imminent harm. Social workers still have no “power” to remove a child from a situation, relying instead on the police, or an emergency Order from the court. Usually, the actual process of removing a child permanently from their family, is an extremely lengthy one. Within this timescale, parents are given ample time and relevant support, in order to make the necessary changes, which could lead to the family being reconciled.

My frustration at the lack of understanding of this process, coupled with the inaccurate representation of social workers was a key factor in motivating me to write my debut novel, Known to Social Services. Using an authentic narrative, and drawing on my own experiences, I created the fictitious, yet realistic world of the Deacon Hill Estate. The central character, Diane Foster, provides an accurate portrayal of the hard working and highly committed social workers I have known. However, despite Diane's best efforts; her personal and professional life unravel throughout the course of the book, with devastating consequences. Fiction, yes, but worryingly typical of the lives of many dedicated social work staff.

Through the character of Diane, I have endeavored to highlight the almost impossible task faced by social workers on a daily basis. The relentless workload, the contentious and avoidant clients, the never ending horror of child abuse, dramatic court cases, and much more. I examine the common and uncommon, themes of social work, and highlight the stark atrocities suffered by too many of our children.

I am very pleased to have been able to visit many Universities within the UK, which offer Social Work as an option, and speak to the students there. Many of them openly admitted that they had no idea that the role of a social worker was quite so demanding, and several told me that Known to Social Services had offered them a real insight into the grass roots reality of the career they had chosen. 

I was honoured to be a guest speaker at "World Social Work Day, Stories From Social Work" At Huddersfield University in March this year







It is my sincere hope, that my writing will, continue not only to challenge stereotypes, but will also raise awareness of the often thankless task social workers perform. I would also hope that people, who perhaps are not mindful of the parallel universe social workers operate in, would be better informed, and to that end, be less judgmental of the profession, which I am proud to have been a part of.  

Raising awareness for Social Workers at Radio Lincoln with Melvyn Prior








Known to Social Services is available via Amazon worldwide. It was the number one social work book on Amazon UK and is published by Faraxa Books.

I am currently working on the sequel to Known to Social Services.

For more information, please visit my website;

www.knowntosocialservices.com 

My 2nd novel, Gozo, Is the Grass Greener? has just been released by Faraxa Books. This book provides a light hearted look at our move from the UK to the island of Gozo. For more information, please visit;

www.gozoisthegrassgreener.blogspot.com 

Freya 

It's OUT! Gozo Is the Grass Greener released today by Faraxa Books

I am thrilled to announce that my latest novel Gozo, Is the Grass Greener has been released today on Amazon. Please follow the links below.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Gozo-Grass-Greener-Freya-Barrington/dp/9995748258/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1436967834&sr=8-2&keywords=gozo+is+the+grass+greener

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Gozo-Grass-Greener-Freya-Barrington-ebook/dp/B011L7LLIA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436967834&sr=8-1&keywords=gozo+is+the+grass+greener

http://www.amazon.com/Gozo-Grass-Greener-Freya-Barrington/dp/9995748258/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436967738&sr=8-1&keywords=gozo+is+the+grass+greener

Published by Faraxa Books, and also available via their website www.faraxabooks.com

The brilliantly illustrated book cover

The book is dedicated to the people of Gozo and to all the wonderful friends we made there. I hope you will enjoy it, and if you have not been lucky enough to visit this gem of an island, I hope this book will play a part in you visiting one day and seeing for yourself why Gozo is so close to our hearts.

Press Release

Gozo is the Grass Greener is the story of the bestselling author Freya Barrington and her husband Steve, when they moved from the UK to live on the small Mediterranean island of Gozo in the Maltese archipelago. Illustrated with numerous photographs, the book is filled with laugh out loud anecdotes as well as more sombre stories for which handkerchiefs will be needed, including an emotive, yet candid account of a real life struggle with bipolar disorder. Freya writes with unreserved honesty, about how she and Steve met, and fell in love. She goes on to share the story of their joint singing career, the manic drive across Europe; their fun loving lurchers Ollie and Ralph, and many other delightfully amusing tales about living in Gozo for over four years. Gozo Is the Grass Greener has widespread appeal making it suitable for local and non-local readers alike. 

Freya 

More great comments and reviews for social work novel; Known to Social Services

My new book, Gozo; Is the Grass Greener? Is due out any time now which is really exciting. However, my debut novel, Known to Social Services (known as KTSS in some forums), published by Faraxa Books, continues to attract positive comments on social media sites. Here are a few;


* Thanks to JW for buying me the 'Known to Social Services' book by Freya Barrington. Started chapter 4 at 1.30ish & then couldn't put it down - just finished the whole book!!. I now have a neglected husband and greyhound!!!, kitchens a tip and no idea what we are having for tea!!. Definitely a recommended read!, can't wait for the next one J.L.

Loved KTSS.. very helpful for me as a NQSW . I am very intrigued about the ending... when can we expect a sequel :)? K.D.

Recently finished @freyabarrington'Known to Social Services' - a great teaching tool as it deals with sw processes, frustrations & people A.B.

* I am on Chapter 22 I really like the way you bring all the characters together it really opened my eyes to what Social workers are up against well written. F.R.

* I just wanted to let you know that I've read your book whilst in Tenerife!! What a fabulously written novel. You social workers are remarkable people doing a tough job in a society where people just look for blame. I thoroughly enjoyed the book and genuinely can't wait for book 2!!! Well done you! E.P.

* Started reading known to social services by the great Freya Barrington can't put it down!! F.R.

* Hi my friend H wants to tell you your book is excellent. She finished it at 1:45 this morning (H isn’t too good on the Internet) H.G.

* I've just read this very powerful book. It's a must read! It's emotional, shocking, scary and horrific in parts but I promise you won't be able to put it down. J.H.

* Finished your book last night it was fantastic, wish it had kept going forever I just did not want it to end. Just fascinating well done you. V.B.

* Read a book yesterday from cover to cover in one sitting, bet you can't guess what it is called. I thoroughly enjoyed it, makes you realise just what effect the media can have the public's opinion. A brilliant story, well done Freya. E.S.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me in my new career as an author :)

Freya

NEW book cover for GOZO, IS THE GRASS GREENER?

I am absolutely delighted to unveil the new front cover for my forthcoming novel, GOZO, IS THE GRASS GREENER? Published by Faraxa Books.

The fantastic book cover of my new book

The book looks at our move from the UK, to the beautiful island of Gozo, which is part of the Maltese Archipelago, and also tells the story of how Steve and I met. 

Find out how we met

There are many other anecdotes along the way, with stories about crazy lurchers, a manic drive across Europe and tales from our time in Gozo, which I hope will make you smile. Who knows, you may even recognise yourself in there J

Featuring Ollie the lurcher!

I am especially thrilled to have secured the talents of Michael Martin for the illustration. Michael illustrates Alex Graham's Fred Basset cartoon strip in the Daily Mail J

The book will be available via Amazon as a paperback and an E book and will include photographs. It is due for release this month, so watch this space. 

Please can I ask that as many of you as possible tell your friends about this and let's share with as many people as possible why Gozo is one of the best places on earth to be J many thanks

Beautiful Gozo

Freya

Sticks and Stones

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

It’s a comment we have all heard or made at some time in our lives.

Sometimes however, our opinions lean more towards judgement or criticism …………………………………...

No one likes to be criticised. Being critical however, is as much a part of our psyche as breathing, and we are all guilty of it at some time or another. For people in the public eye, it’s worse. Take the TV show, “Britain’s Got Talent” for example; I don’t watch this, but from what I’ve heard, it turns even the mildest mannered person into an expert arm chair critic. Opinions are freely given and obviously, their son/daughter/second cousin twice removed could do better. 

Of course, in this context, it is nothing more than a bit of harmless fun, and the people involved can’t hear what’s being said. However, there are many places where people’s opinions cause hurt and confusion, and that is quite another matter.

Last night, I was searching for some information regarding a certain diet (I blame the French bread and the all-too-delicious-soft-cheese). I discovered a forum, which I thought might offer some useful information. However, my interest turned to shock as I read some of the comments therein. It seemed that some people had joined the forum, not to discuss diets or healthy eating, but to use it as a platform for their unwelcome opinions. One man in particular, seemed to be the commander in chief of unpleasant remarks. He was quick to point out that “he was not overweight”, but then posted multiple derogatory comments in regard to people who were.

The comments he made were not only downright rude, but breathtakingly arrogant and at times abusive. Clearly the man had issues. Of course, his diatribe provoked several angry responses, which only served to throw fuel on the fire, and so the arguments were prolonged and wasted pages and pages of space.

I left the forum without one useful piece of information, and with a feeling of huge sadness. Why do some among us, feel the need to criticise other people so harshly, often people we have never even met? Yes, we ARE all entitled to an opinion, and I am in favour of free speech, but this ……….. L

Facebook is another classic example. Visit any group, whether it’s a buying and selling site, a cookery site, or a dog lover’s forum. You will quickly identify the protagonists. You know they type of person I mean. They are the ones, who feel the need to comment on everybody else’s posts. They know everything, and make corrections freely; oh and God forbid if you should spell something wrong. You could be forgiven for thinking they were the site administrator! Their opinion is the only correct one, and you are left demoralised and wondering if it’s even worth being part of the group.

A good friend of mine said recently, “Some people would argue with their own reflection”. True.

So why am I telling you this? Well, as someone who has made a new career as an author, I find I am (more than ever) the subject of people’s opinions, or more to the point my books are. My debut novel, Known to Social Services was the number one social work book on Amazon UK – a fantastic achievement, and one, which took me completely by surprise.  I have had some extremely positive and encouraging reviews, and of course, some not so positive. This is to be expected, but the real test for me was dealing with critical comments.

Woohoo, my book went to #1 in the social work book category

Anyone can post a review on Amazon, Goodreads, or on any other literary forum.  Authors have no control over the reviews, and even if you suspect it is someone you know who is “out to get you” so to speak, there is nothing you can do about it. The temptation to respond however, is almost overwhelming.

People who make unkind or abusive comments on the internet are commonly known as “trolls”. Another very wise friend of mine and fellow author (thanks cowboy) gave me an invaluable piece of advice, he said, Freya, “Never, ever talk to the trolls”.

Don't talk to the trolls 

I took this advice to heart and accept that everyone IS entitled to their own opinion, and even if it is one I don’t agree with, I can simply acknowledge that it is their opinion and move on with my day. I do not need to get into a debate with them, as this rarely ends well, as my brief foray onto the diet forum has demonstrated.

I overcome the critical comments, which I am happy to report are in the minority by focusing on the positives. My husband Steve, ever my champion, asked me a few days ago, “How does it feel to know that someone, somewhere is reading your book”. His question made me reflect on some of the great feedback I have had from the people who have read and enjoyed it.

So many positive experiences, like this one at BBC Radio Lincolnshire with Melvyn Prior

Known to Social Services was written for many reasons. One of the reasons was to raise the profile of social workers, and to make people aware of how difficult a job it is. Some of my most rewarding comments have been from student social workers, for example, this one from N.A.

Gripping book; would definitely recommend. As a social work student this book gave a fantastic insight of social work practice in child protection!! I'm hoping there will be another instalment (Source; Amazon UK)

To know that my writing made a positive difference to someone who is making social work her career was a wonderful feeling.

Or, the one from the lady who hooked up with me via Twitter and said,

Travelled through France last April started your book in the French Alps. Finished it by Calais. Great read (SJ)

Just thinking about this lady reading my book on her holiday travels, left me content and smiling.

Criticism, can be valuable, if it is constructive, kindly delivered and genuinely meant. Anything other than this is not worth giving your time to.

We will always have the nay sayers among us, but we don’t have to listen to them.

I hope those of you who have been the victims of criticism in your lives, can find a way to overcome, and focus on the positives.

Remember …….don’t talk to the trolls, and never, EVER, feed them J

Known to Social Services is available via Amazon as a paperback or Kindle download.

My debut novel

My 2^nd novel, Gozo; Is the Grass Greener? Will be available in July.

Both books are published by Faraxa Books.

Freya